Split Passions

Lately I've been finding myself torn between my different thoughts, passions, desires, and interests. I often wonder whether I'm the only one (of course I'm not but..) who feels like they are two different people because of their various conflicting pursuits. I sort of feel like I'm leading an inner-double life. Like I'm lying to people when I tell them I want to become a dentist. I'm not lying. I DO want to be a dentist. I just am not completely into everything that comes with it. Similarly, I feel like I'm misleading people when they find out I run, or am a Christian, or DON'T know that I have a blog. Seriously, there a very few people that know of my blog. (this is where you smile and feel special if you are one;)) Like I said, I'm not misleading people, nor lying to them, but it FEELS like it, because so many of these things are conflicting. Actually, a better way to describe it, is I feel that even though there any many different things a part of my life, I am not completely devoted to one thing - or not ONE thing completely describes me and m y lifestyle. I'm not GREAT at one thing, I don't completely delve into one aspect- which scares me! So, because of this, I do not "own" anything in my life. (Again, not really true..but feels like it) (all of this of course excludes my relationship with Jesus Christ and life as His daughter)

These are some frustrating things that ran through my head this morning in run-on sentence form: "Ugh, I slept in later than I wanted (7:30am), I should really get up earlier and be a morning runner- i should BE that person everyday..wait..that's unrealistic- guess i cant say I like to run in the mornings..i'm going to be super productive and get homework done before class and study for my quiz..(later on in starbucks) ya! this is going great, i'm totally cut out for academia and should adopt a complete science academic lifestyle..wait, that would make me miss out on all the artsy creative stuff i love - like painting and writing and blogging..wow, I really haven't blogged in awhile- guess I'm not a blogger and never will be. Shoot, i also haven't finished that painting that I started a month ago - yep-half assed that one too! See!? The list goes on.. there are countless other things.

I also get these ambitious ideas very frequently that I think I'll do and be able to accomplish. Sometimes I try, and fail - because I alerady have too  much going on in my life- and end up half doing everything. And sometimes I want to try but don;t and then feel imcompetent and like a failure.

So, in conclusion, my mind is a mess and it is clearly having an impact on my overall life and well-being. (If you haven't gotten that already by the irrational thoughts and erratic sentences). 

also, spelling is terrible because i'm writing on the bus and it is bumpy and im too laszy to correct and spellcheck. Also, i ate bananas again this morning after laying off them for a couple months to see if my stomach would tollerate them again. nope, they rejected them and launched a full-fledged attack with antibodies and all. I'm feeling the war inside.. barf!

ps.. i googled crazy, and found this.